I (often) define myself as a 'woman'. Womanhood is not associated with motherhood.
When I was a little girl I never played with dolls and I never imagined having children when getting older.
People used to say to me back then...
'You'll change your mind'.
I did think that one day I would change my mind. I was told that, at some point in life, the maternal / paternal instinct kicks in, and men and women desperately want to have children.
In my early 20s I somehow felt that a baby might be a good idea, but I was never overexcited about having kids. After all, I was a university student and my relationships were not that serious back then. Society kept reminding me that I should get married and have children.
In my mid twenties my desire to have children disappeared altogether. I had other plans; and I had not found Mr right yet.
That glimpse of desire never came back. In fact, the exact opposite happened. Somehow, I felt that I was not the right 'woman' to become a mother. My lack of maternal instinct and the fact that I could not bear being around children for more than a few hours only meant one thing: If I ever became a mother, it would be because of social pressure, and (I assure you) I would be a terrible mother!!!
I was getting older, reaching my 30s. I had found my other half; now, in effect, I could have kids - and I could even afford to have them. I decided to postpone it and see how I feel, as what was the point if I never felt like having them? Meanwhile, I started working with children. I really enjoyed working with young children (I worked with ages 4 to 9) but I realised that, in fact, I don't really like being around them (unless they pay me - and that is for 2-3 hours a day only).
Now, don't get me wrong, I would never harm (or hurt the feelings of) a child. I don't want to use the word 'hate' because I don't hate children. I simply don't like them that much - they are not for me. I don't particularly enjoy being around them.
In my early 30s people started 'brainwashing' me to procreate. But I was adamant. Was there anything wrong with me? Why did I not like children at the first place? Why did I not see myself as a parent-to-be? Why did I not have a maternal instinct? Was I facing the circumstances of a bad childhood?
In my mid thirties the pressure to procreate was hitting me from every direction. I felt that I could not cope any more. Yes, I was with the right person, but I could not JUST HAVE children and simply hope that everything would be OK.
What if I really disliked being a mother?
I felt into depression and experienced severe anxiety. At some point, I stopped working with children and chose a different career path. Something I really really liked and did not involve little people. I am glad I did because now I can be myself at work. I don't pretend.
After receiving pressure from everyone, particularly from family and friends, I decided to start counselling, mainly because I needed therapy for my anxiety and insomnia. I believed that the social pressure to procreate (and try to be someone other than my real self) was to blame for these two health issues.
I had several sessions of counselling. Over 10 sessions... I do recommend it to you. It is a very soul-searching experience and it certainly helps.
What did I learn from this counselling? I learnt that in fact I was right! I was not ready to have children, and in fact, it looks like I will never ever be ready to have them. All evidence indicated that children aren’t for me. Having children would be a nightmare for me. It's as simple as that. So, from the childfree point of view, there was nothing wrong with me. I simply belong to a group of women who have no desire to have children.
It was confirmed therefore that the worst thing that could ever happen to me would be to become a mother. If I did, I would face several problems: depression, anxiety, and so on... and of course I would never wish for any children (including my own) to be unloved and undesired.
So, here I am, a childfree woman! I childfree woman who will never regret not having children. A childfree woman who enjoys being childfree, who is now doing well, simply because she doesn't have or want to have children. I read a lot about childfreedom, I participate in childfree communities and forums, I have many childfree friends - but I socialise with parents too.
I am normal and I am not alone! There are thousands of women out there who think exactly like me.
So, if you think that one day you will see some baby pictures on this blog, this day will never come.
Children are an option, a matter of choice.
If you didn't like pets, would you ever have a pet at home, to look after 24/7, simply because everyone you know has a pet? I don't think so. Well, to me, having children is the same thing.
Children aren't for everyone.
And of course, having children is not a matter of a few years of looking after (as a pet might be). It's a long process of at least 18 years... A life-changing, soul-consuming, tiring experience; where your freedom will be lost for a couple of decades; and on average, costs £ 150.000 (cost to raise a single child from their birth to age 18).
There are seven billion people on this planet, and this world is far from ideal. So, if I don't procreate, it won't matter that much.
No thanks.
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