...Childfree women are invisible...

In a society where everything is child-focused (even in the West), becoming a mother is seen as the top achievement for a woman in her life.

Take a pregnancy announcement for example - or the birth of a baby. 
The (future) mother is congratulated - again and again and again. Congratulatory cards and presents are sent to her and the father.

Well, I thought that making one's genitalia procreate is as common as changing one's t-shirt. Procreating is a biological function. So, what's the point of congratulating someone when a baby is born? We are 7 billion people on this planet and we are struggling for natural resources - so why do we congratulate every human being adding into the problem via procreation? 

Some of you may say that giving congratulations when a baby is born is a social obligation. We are entitled to say 'congratulations' to expectant parents, otherwise we will be stigmatised as 'antisocial'. 

Well, I don't! I 'd rather be myself and be called antisocial than say something I don't mean. 

But let us now go back to the points raised on the first paragraph. 

Is having a baby the top achievement in a woman's life? 

In fact, the answer is yes. With so many women out there, many cannot boast for anything else than 'being a mum or a grandma'.

But how about the childfree? We certainly don't tick the boxes that would make us worthy in the eye of the 'normal' beholder - don't we? 

So, how about if a woman - a childfree woman - does really well in education or in her career? 

Take Jennifer Aniston for example. Remarkable and awarded actress. She is often labelled as selfish because she has had no children (here).

Second example: Gertrude B. Elion: Nobel Prize for Physiology/Medicine, 1988 US. She was never married and had no children.

There she is: in the picture. 

MY ROLE MODEL

So, is getting a Nobel Prize less important for a woman than having a baby? It is for the average Jo out there. 

You know what? Sometimes I think that poor Gertrude received very few congratulations cards after winning the Nobel Prize, compared to what she would have received if she announced she gave birth to a baby. 

Condoms: CATCH IT - BIN IT - KILL IT!

...Xmas is coming and...

Frankly, I don't give a poop? (see 'Atheist')

But... potentially I could make some money. Because You have to SPEND. And I am willing to take your money. Yes, I do!

How much do you parents spend on your children's Xmas presents? 

Let me guess: a fortune?

To paraphrase Father Xmas: 'Ha ha ha'! 

NB: If you don't get a season's greetings card from me this year is because I don't like you. You are not worth the price of a stamp. Chiaro?

 

The news...

Tony Blair on the cover of Gay Times: Really? The man who was responsible for the death of thousands of people is a gay icon? 

Chelsea Clinton announces that she had a baby girl. Nobody cares. 

 

Stephen Hawking officially announces that he is an atheist and that there is no god. YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSS!  

 

 

...A picture that describes me...

...don't like vs I hate...

I explain. Just because I don't like being around kids doesn't mean that I hate them. On the contrary, there are children I really like being with.

But truth is that I can stand kids for a couple of hours at the most, and that's about it.

(Don't you start with the 'it's different when they are yours please, as there is no guarantee I would like my own kids').

But not like doesn't mean hate. The other day I called the police and talked to a policeman about someone who was suspiciously taking pictures of kids in a nearby park. It means that I really care and I want to make sure that your children are safe. And no, I do not deserve a medal.

Yes... other parents hate your kids

In case you haven't realised yet, this is totally true. Other parents hate YOUR kids. They criticise your 'bad parenting' - even if your parenting is not bad at all. No matter what you do, these people will criticise you. They (say they) love their kids, but they hate your kids. They call them names too! They cannot tolerate them!

Of course, you do it too! You hate other people's kids. Admit it!

And then you blame the childfree for not liking your kids? 

Parents and their sense of identity

A couple of comments about parents and how can lose their identity after having children.

1) You post hundreds of pictures of your kid on your facebook profile. You even replace your profile picture with a picture of your kid/s. Your cover picture is also a picture of your kid/s. You define yourself as a mother, but where is the old you? You know, the old fun you? I get the 'my kids mean everything to me' point, but does your kid really absorb all your personality and identity? In am certain that this is the case. As for your hobbies and free time... well... forget about them for the next x years!

2) You update your status on facebook, to mention (for the x-th time) that you are proud of your kid, because your kid is potty trained, and the likes. Frankly, your FB friends doesn't give a dam about how your kid poops. It's only your business, nobody else's. What would you think if I updated my facebook status to tell you how many times I pooped today and how I wiped my bottom? Disgusted!? Then, why do you do it? 

3) You have not done well in life and now you place your hopes on your little ones. Do you think that your kid is a special snowflake? Frankly, this is not the case. I have worked with many talented and gifted children in the past, and unless your 2 year old can speak like a lawyer, play the piano like Mozart or do high-school maths, I don't think that your kid is special (I have met and admired such kids and their amazing abilities).

4) When you are asked to mention your profession, you tell others that you are a 'full-time mum'. Well, is a 'full-time mum' a profession? I don't think so. 

5) So, you go on money saving experts forum and create a nick name as 'Pricsilla's-mum' or 'mummy-of-two-angels' ? Frankly, nobody cares!

6) Grammar police:

You can call yourself a Mommy... yes...by all means.

But 'mummy'? 

This is a mummy....

Well, do you define yourself as a mummy? ^
Unless your little one has dehydrated you and kept you awake at night, to the point of zombie-ness. 

My point exactly

This!

My great escape

I have just resigned from my (latest) job. I am very happy I left, as that job was a dead end, and I didn't enjoy it at all. I am not going to get into detail, but the job wasn't for me. I was overqualified for the role, and I had hidden all my university qualifications in order to get it. In the end, I ended up being miserable as I didn’t enjoy working there. Plus, it only paid national minimum wage. I can do much better, I am sure.

So, now what? 

A two month travelling abroad, to start with. Because I can.

When I get back I will start searching for a new job. This time I will only apply for jobs I would love doing. I won't compromise. 

...Welcome to Breederville!...

Welcome to Breederville! 

The Great British Summer! Full of barbecues, great nights out, meet-ups with friends, and me-time. 

Summer Festivals take place across the country. 

My favourite festivals are the music ones. If they play rock or heavy metal music... even better! 

I went to a festival this weekend...  and it was full of crying and misbehaving kids and annoyed parents. It seams that the Great British Summer is not that great for parents after all. Now that school is out, every day at home with the kids is a bit of a nightmare. 

Yeah... Take your children to rock and heavy metal festivals! Yes, ruin yours and someone else's day!!! And ruin the artist's performance too!

Music festivals + kids = a recipe for disaster.

Luckily I can go home and have a great time. You have to go home and deal with the trouble... Remember, you chose to have kids. Now it is time to face the circumstances. 

...Grandbaby rabies...

If you are not aware of the term, according to this website the definition of grandbaby rabies is the following:

grandbaby rabies (what happens when older couples are so desperate to have grandchildren that they browbeat their child and in-law with the subject every possible chance — known to employ underhanded tactics such as guilt, emotional blackmail, bribery, and personal insult in order to get their way — can become entirely unreasonable and intolerable when their own offspring have chosen a child-free lifestyle)

NB:

I have highlighted the crucial points for you. 

If you are one of these older people (a mother / mother in law or father / father in law) please don't do it! Do not interfere in your son / daughter's (-in-law) life and constantly ask for grandchildren, and do not use any of the aforementioned methods to do so.

You are not ENTITLED to have grandchildren. What makes YOU think that you are such a special snowflake to deserve grandchildren? 

And why do you do it in the first place?  Why are you desperate for grandchildren? 

Here are some of your reasons:

• I simply have to have them. Everybody has them. All my friends, the milkman, the greengrocer, aunty Betsy, everyone around me have grandchildren. 

So? Is there any written rule or law in society that says that everyone has to have grandchildren?

• The family name should be kept alive. 

Don't you think you are selfish? Do not try to impose your massive ego on your own children and (desired) grandchildren. 

• My DNA should be kept alive. 

Don't you think you are selfish? There are 7 billion people on this planet. What do you think makes your own DNA better than others' DNA? 

 

• I deserve them. 

No. You don't. You are not special and you deserve nothing. You have to fight for things you deserve, with your own means; nothing comes for free in this life. Don't expect others to make YOUR dreams come true, while they ruin THEIR dreams, ambitions, career and life. If you have not materialised your personal dreams and ambitions (because you are useless or because you did not try hard enough), then do not expect your son / daughter or grandchildren to materialise YOUR dreams for you. If you are not successful, do not think that 'ok, my children / grandchildren will be successful one day'. Your daughter may give birth to the person who will cure cancer, the person who will be a mass murderer, or the average Jo (the latter is the more likely).

• What would people say if I don't have them? 

Does it matter? You simply have zero confidence and you depend on what other people say about you, right?

• It's against religion for my son / daughter (etc.) not to procreate. 

That is what YOU think. Not everybody else agrees with you. Your children disagree with you. Stop make religion an excuse for everything. Religion is a respectful compromise, but it is personally interpreted and received.

•  Where will my inheritance go if not to my grandchildren?

Spend it! Have a fantastic third age! Or give it to your children! Money is money. It comes and goes. 

• I need some excitement in my life. 

So, you expect others to offer it to you? Why don't YOU do something about it? In the end of the day, if you are desperate, get a dog or book a cruise. 

• It's only right for them to have grandchildren. 

Said who? What is right for you, is not right for everyone. 

Get over it! You cannot interfere in your children's life for ever. You cannot control their lives and their bodies, and what your son / daughter (-in-law) does with their life and body is none of your business! 

Also, if you constantly nag your children and their partners asking for grandchildren, you should resit your good manners exam. Talking about other people's penisses and vaginas is none of your business, it is rude, and certainly a very private matter that you do not respect.
  

 

...A special day...

...A transgender 6 year old child...

This is the story of Ryland, a transgender 6 year old child who was born with a female body and a 'male' mind. His parents, luckily, realised that something was wrong and took action before it was too late.

Excluding the mention of god (which I find simply irrelevant), this is a lovely video, and even my childfree, dislike-all-things-kids persona would happily watch it for a second time (but not for a third time).

Watch the video...

...Volunteering: no, I am not rich and my free time is not unlimited...

After two posts (1,2) on volunteering, a third post covers two specific misconceptions: money and free time. 

Do I look like her?

The first misconception is that people who volunteer / are willing to volunteer are wealthy - or at least they have enough money to support themselves without working. 

Let me put this straight for you. 

No. That is not the case.

I have met several volunteers out there who can hardly support themselves - but they volunteer. 

I have me the odd old lady you is a low pensioner - she volunteers for her local religious centre. 

I have met the lad who has just graduated from university - and he volunteers in the hope that he can get the experience and skills to find a paid job. He's going to be paying his student loan in the next 30 years of his life, and he is living on tesco value noodles.

I have met that lady who feeds the poor, and she is poor herself. 

I have met a disabled man who has been volunteering with other disabled individuals and his disability allowance can hardly support him. 

I have met low-paid, redundant people, and pensioners, who volunteer in politics, as they cannot stand such an expensive life.

I have met 'myself', who has been volunteering for years - even when I was unemployed. And yes, I ended up working as a freelancer because all my volunteering (15 years of it) did not help me land a single paid job!

Of course, there are plenty of volunteers out there who happen to do both: work, and volunteer. 

Moral of the story: volunteering is not (only) for financially independent people. 

Free time? You must be joking, right?

The second misconception is time.

Free time does not equal unlimited volunteering and as I have mentioned before (post 2) volunteering can become an abuse if your boss asks you to volunteer for more time than you can afford. 

This post started with a specific thought in mind, which I am going to share with you as an example. In is related to childfree living.

I recently had a chat with one of the other volunteers, who happens to be a pensioner, and volunteers her time for the local community, doing various things. 

While we were at work, she asked me if I had any children, and when I told her I am childfree, she said:

'No kids? Then you must have plenty of free time. Why don't you also come and volunteer with us at the 'name of organisation here'? You know, we are desperate for volunteers on Mondays'. 

I was left with my mouth wide open: 

a) because the lady assumed that just because I have no kids I have way too much time in my hands
and b) just because I volunteer with one organisation, it doesn't mean that I should volunteer with every cause out there. 

Then, I realised that the problem here is labelling:

Labelling the childfree as = too much free time
Labelling the volunteer as = he / she volunteers for life / is a professional volunteer

Very wrong indeed. Volunteers are not life-committed volunteers. They need to work and get paid too - and certainly they want to use their free time THE WAY THE WANT TO. They have a life outside of volunteering.

Childfree individuals have no unlimited free time. The do have some free time, maybe more time than a parent has (it always depends on who you are), but trust me, we are very busy indeed. Many of us work full-time, and the limited free time we have, we want to devote it to ourselves, our partners, our dream-chasing activities. Therefore, don't ask the childfree to volunteer if they don't want to. 

No matter who you are, your free time is no exploitation material.

There you go. 
I. said. it.

...Social pressure to procreate...

In a society that revolves around family, childfree people receive immense pressure to procreate - otherwise they should apologise, find an excuse (=infertility) or get lost. 

The majority of people out there expect us to 'do the right thing' and procreate. 


We are seen as criminals, we are ostracised by our peers. Nobody wants to hang out with us because 'he/she is kinda funny, he/she doesn't like kids'. 

We are often called names, from selfish to perverts. 

At the supermarket, we buy family packs and have to get rid of so many leftovers. Supermarket magazines brainwash us about the perfect mother / father role. We cannot wipe our bum with 'Cushelle', because '8 out of 10 Tesco mums recommend it' (from the actual ad on tesco magazine: March 2014). And since we are not a mum (or a dad) we deserve no special toilet paper. We deserve nothing! No place in the market, no place in society.

We don't stand a chance in the media, apart from the few notable cases. If we achieve something, even if we have won a nobel price, the media will hardly mention our name if we have no children. Articles such as 'Linkcoln mom gives birth to twins after x miscarriages' or 'muther-of-two died in tragic accident' are more popular with the masses. 

At work, we have no right to leave the office half an hour earlier, but a colleague, who is a mother, can set off at noon, since 'she has to go to her child's school play'. 

Parenthood - and particularly motherhood - is seen as an achievement - often the achievement of a lifetime. (Ironically, even amoebas procreate...)

We work hard, we pay taxes. We pay loads of taxes for many mothers out there to live on child benefits and never work a single day in their entire life.

We go on holiday in 'traditional countries' and we struggle to find a childfree hotel.

Our mother, mother in law, aunty, etc. call us every now and then with the same silly question: 'When are you going to give me grandchildren / have children?' The 'childfree' term is not in their dictionary. 

We are labelled as immature, party animals, sluts, spinsters, soldiers of fortune, go-go-boys, 'gay', you call it...

And if we are still young, 'you'll change your mind'. What? No? Your husband will leave you and find someone else!

If we are married, 'What is wrong with you?'. 'Then why did you get married at the first place?'. 

'Your biological clock is ticking like mad! Are you deaf?' 

If you are older, 'I am sorry you 've never had children'. 

'You need to have a family, otherwise you are not a man / woman enough!' 

'Why are you giving me advice about my children? You know nothing about children!' (yet, many of your childrens' doctors and teachers are childfree - deal with it!)

'Of course you can afford this! You have no children so you know nothing about real expenses!' (childfree does not mean rich). 

'You complain you are tired? You don't know what tired is, unless you have children'. 

'What? 7 years married and no children?' 'Poor you... I am so sorry!' 

'You were a kid once you know...' 

'Who is going to have a kid first? You? Or your first cousin?' (procreation as a race and competition). 'Are you going to have a baby before the Cambridges' number 2?'

'Who's going to look after you when you are old'? 

'What do your parents say about your decision not to have children?'

'7 billion people on the planet is just bullshit. Go on and procreate! (Some other kid will die for your kid to take its place'). 

'If you cannot have them, adopt. Mind that adopting a child still means that ... the child is not yours'.

And if you are a parent (to-be) and ... 'You only have / want ONE child? You are selfish!'

You can add your story here...

Disclosure: I am not against parents. I know loads of parents who support the childfree and their life decisions, and I really appreciate their effort and understanding. Therefore, I am not targeting specific individuals in this post. Rather, I get to give you a taster of how the childfree are often seen by society.

...There's something about Mary...

This is my story. 

I (often) define myself as a 'woman'. Womanhood is not associated with motherhood. 

When I was a little girl I never played with dolls and I never imagined having children when getting older.

People used to say to me back then... 

'You'll change your mind'. 

I did think that one day I would change my mind. I was told that, at some point in life, the maternal / paternal instinct kicks in, and men and women desperately want to have children. 

In my early 20s I somehow felt that a baby might be a good idea, but I was never overexcited about having kids. After all, I was a university student and my relationships were not that serious back then. Society kept reminding me that I should get married and have children.

In my mid twenties my desire to have children disappeared altogether. I had other plans; and I had not found Mr right yet. 

That glimpse of desire never came back. In fact, the exact opposite happened. Somehow, I felt that I was not the right 'woman' to become a mother. My lack of maternal instinct and the fact that I could not bear being around children for more than a few hours only meant one thing: If I ever became a mother, it would be because of social pressure, and (I assure you) I would be a terrible mother!!!

I was getting older, reaching my 30s. I had found my other half; now, in effect, I could have kids - and I could even afford to have them. I decided to postpone it and see how I feel, as what was the point if I never felt like having them? Meanwhile, I started working with children. I really enjoyed working with young children (I worked with ages 4 to 9) but I realised that, in fact, I don't really like being around them (unless they pay me - and that is for 2-3 hours a day only).

Now, don't get me wrong, I would never harm (or hurt the feelings of) a child. I don't want to use the word 'hate' because I don't hate children. I simply don't like them that much - they are not for me. I don't particularly enjoy being around them.

In my early 30s people started 'brainwashing' me to procreate. But I was adamant. Was there anything wrong with me? Why did I not like children at the first place? Why did I not see myself as a parent-to-be? Why did I not have a maternal instinct? Was I facing the circumstances of a bad childhood?


In my mid thirties the pressure to procreate was hitting me from every direction. I felt that I could not cope any more. Yes, I was with the right person, but I could not JUST HAVE children and simply hope that everything would be OK. 

What if I really disliked being a mother?

I felt into depression and experienced severe anxiety. At some point, I stopped working with children and chose a different career path. Something I really really liked and did not involve little people. I am glad I did because now I can be myself at work. I don't pretend.

After receiving pressure from everyone, particularly from family and friends, I decided to start counselling, mainly because I needed therapy for my anxiety and insomnia. I believed that the social pressure to procreate (and try to be someone other than my real self) was to blame for these two health issues. 

I had several sessions of counselling. Over 10 sessions... I do recommend it to you. It is a very soul-searching experience and it certainly helps. 

What did I learn from this counselling? I learnt that in fact I was right! I was not ready to have children, and in fact, it looks like I will never ever be ready to have them. All evidence indicated that children aren’t for me. Having children would be a nightmare for me. It's as simple as that. So, from the childfree point of view, there was nothing wrong with me. I simply belong to a group of women who have no desire to have children.

It was confirmed therefore that the worst thing that could ever happen to me would be to become a mother. If I did, I would face several problems: depression, anxiety, and so on... and of course I would never wish for any children (including my own) to be unloved and undesired.

So, here I am, a childfree woman! I childfree woman who will never regret not having children. A childfree woman who enjoys being childfree, who is now doing well, simply because she doesn't have or want to have children. I read a lot about childfreedom, I participate in childfree communities and forums, I have many childfree friends - but I socialise with parents too. 

I am normal and I am not alone! There are thousands of women out there who think exactly like me.

So, if you think that one day you will see some baby pictures on this blog, this day will never come. 

Children are an option, a matter of choice. 

If you didn't like pets, would you ever have a pet at home, to look after 24/7, simply because everyone you know has a pet? I don't think so. Well, to me, having children is the same thing. 

Children aren't for everyone. 

And of course, having children is not a matter of a few years of looking after (as a pet might be). It's a long process of at least 18 years... A life-changing, soul-consuming, tiring experience; where your freedom will be lost for a couple of decades; and on average, costs  £ 150.000 (cost to raise a single child from their birth to age 18).

There are seven billion people on this planet, and this world is far from ideal. So, if I don't procreate, it won't matter that much. 

No thanks. 

...Mother's day and the childfree...

With mother's day fast approaching, there are several women out there who do not celebrate this day. 

• How do infertile women feel on the day?
• How do happily childfree women celebrate? 

I am not entirely sure about the answer to the first question; all I know is that if a woman is infertile and wants to have children but she can't, she may be emotionally unstable on the day. 

If I wanted to have children (hypothetically speaking) but I couldn't have them, I would feel vulnerable and frustrated on the day. 

You see, even though I am childfree, I sympathise with many women who are parents or want to get into parenthood. Who am I to judge parents and future parents after all? They do whatever they want in life. I do whatever I want in life. Period!

So, do I celebrate the day? I do, and I don't. 

I do celebrate my mum of course (I love you mum!), but I do not celebrate as such as I am not a mum. Do I feel left out? 

Maybe. 

The childfree (men and women) have their own international day, but very few people know about this celebration (it is on the 1st of August). I celebrate this day together with like-minded friends. We even exchange cards and presents! 

But somehow I feel that in a child-focused world, it's all about the mother. It's all about motherhood and mother's day, whereas both days should be celebrated equally; something that is not happening at the moment. 

So, when mother's day comes this year, think of the women who cannot have children. Take a moment and think of them. 

Also, take another moment to think and respect the childfree and their decision not to procreate. After all... 

motherhood is an option, not a social obligation