...Volunteering... and abuse of volunteers...

I struggled to find a better word that 'abuse' to use on the title of this post. Frankly because this is exactly what I am going to talk about today. Abuse of volunteers.

I already mentioned possibly exploitation of volunteers on a previous post. I remind you that volunteering does not equal exploitation. The two are miles away when volunteers offer their services in return for something: training, professional references, networking, as a personal rewarding experience, in the hope that one can land a job...you call it. 

So, when is volunteering an abuse? 

I answer this question based on personal experience (I have been volunteering in various settings in the last 16 years). 

Are you shouting at me? No thanks!

Volunteering is abuse when:

• your boss keeps asking you to do more hours than you can give to the project / cause
• your boss makes you do the work that should be done by paid staff
• you have to pay your weight in gold in order to volunteer (a.k.a. 'milking the cow' volunteering')
• your personal information is not personal any more.
• you were supposed to be CRB checked in order to volunteer, but nobody has bothered to CRB check you. If your boss CRB checks you, you can put it on your CV. Although your new boss may CRB check you anyway.
• you do all the hard work while others (staff and volunteers) are watching - and they do not offer a helping hand.
• you are unsupervised
• nobody provides you any training / new skills
• your boss makes you do thinks without considering your health and safety
• your travel expenses are not (partly) covered - unless this is not an issue for you.
• your boss abuses your networking connections
• your boss abuses your 'repairing the laptop' skills
• they call YOU first every time they need someone to volunteer - and this happens ALL the time (or very often). You are not there to cover (all) emergences remember. 
• You are bullied by the staff / other volunteers (because bullying among volunteers does exist).
• your boss makes you do things that you don't enjoy, whether you like it or not. 
• you are seen in an inhumane manner (as a slave; use your imagination here). 
• you are brainwashed for things and you are emotionally abused (e.g. this frequently happens in religious and political settings of volunteering). 
• you are not allowed to offer your opinion / view
• the staff does not treat you as 'one of us' and as 'equal'. 
• your confidence is going down instead of going up while you volunteer
• you are not allowed breaks / time for yourself (e.g. time to pray if you are a Muslim). 
• you have to pretend you like doing something when you don't (don't pretend you can work with children if you don't like being around them).
• you are told to take illegal action whether you believe in a cause or not (use your imagination here). Unless of course you WANT to take illegal action (see 'activism' - nothing wrong with this). Then, YOU face the circumstances like an adult.
• people don't treat you with respect
• you don't enjoy it. 

I hope I have not left any major issues out but I am sure that you get the point. Be careful when you volunteer and make sure you know how to set your limits and how to withdraw from the post, if for any reason, you don't want to do it any more.

...Social pressure to procreate...

In a society that revolves around family, childfree people receive immense pressure to procreate - otherwise they should apologise, find an excuse (=infertility) or get lost. 

The majority of people out there expect us to 'do the right thing' and procreate. 


We are seen as criminals, we are ostracised by our peers. Nobody wants to hang out with us because 'he/she is kinda funny, he/she doesn't like kids'. 

We are often called names, from selfish to perverts. 

At the supermarket, we buy family packs and have to get rid of so many leftovers. Supermarket magazines brainwash us about the perfect mother / father role. We cannot wipe our bum with 'Cushelle', because '8 out of 10 Tesco mums recommend it' (from the actual ad on tesco magazine: March 2014). And since we are not a mum (or a dad) we deserve no special toilet paper. We deserve nothing! No place in the market, no place in society.

We don't stand a chance in the media, apart from the few notable cases. If we achieve something, even if we have won a nobel price, the media will hardly mention our name if we have no children. Articles such as 'Linkcoln mom gives birth to twins after x miscarriages' or 'muther-of-two died in tragic accident' are more popular with the masses. 

At work, we have no right to leave the office half an hour earlier, but a colleague, who is a mother, can set off at noon, since 'she has to go to her child's school play'. 

Parenthood - and particularly motherhood - is seen as an achievement - often the achievement of a lifetime. (Ironically, even amoebas procreate...)

We work hard, we pay taxes. We pay loads of taxes for many mothers out there to live on child benefits and never work a single day in their entire life.

We go on holiday in 'traditional countries' and we struggle to find a childfree hotel.

Our mother, mother in law, aunty, etc. call us every now and then with the same silly question: 'When are you going to give me grandchildren / have children?' The 'childfree' term is not in their dictionary. 

We are labelled as immature, party animals, sluts, spinsters, soldiers of fortune, go-go-boys, 'gay', you call it...

And if we are still young, 'you'll change your mind'. What? No? Your husband will leave you and find someone else!

If we are married, 'What is wrong with you?'. 'Then why did you get married at the first place?'. 

'Your biological clock is ticking like mad! Are you deaf?' 

If you are older, 'I am sorry you 've never had children'. 

'You need to have a family, otherwise you are not a man / woman enough!' 

'Why are you giving me advice about my children? You know nothing about children!' (yet, many of your childrens' doctors and teachers are childfree - deal with it!)

'Of course you can afford this! You have no children so you know nothing about real expenses!' (childfree does not mean rich). 

'You complain you are tired? You don't know what tired is, unless you have children'. 

'What? 7 years married and no children?' 'Poor you... I am so sorry!' 

'You were a kid once you know...' 

'Who is going to have a kid first? You? Or your first cousin?' (procreation as a race and competition). 'Are you going to have a baby before the Cambridges' number 2?'

'Who's going to look after you when you are old'? 

'What do your parents say about your decision not to have children?'

'7 billion people on the planet is just bullshit. Go on and procreate! (Some other kid will die for your kid to take its place'). 

'If you cannot have them, adopt. Mind that adopting a child still means that ... the child is not yours'.

And if you are a parent (to-be) and ... 'You only have / want ONE child? You are selfish!'

You can add your story here...

Disclosure: I am not against parents. I know loads of parents who support the childfree and their life decisions, and I really appreciate their effort and understanding. Therefore, I am not targeting specific individuals in this post. Rather, I get to give you a taster of how the childfree are often seen by society.

...A note on lookism...

This incident took place in London underground a couple of days ago. Think morning rush hour. The train was packed. People were nervously getting on and off the train wishing they could fly to get to work faster.

I was sitting next to one of the main carriage doors, when a family got onto the train. Mum, dad, a couple of children. You say, an ordinary family?

Dad was about 40, mum in her late 30s. The one  'child' was a young lad, about 14 years old. The other, a little girl, about 5 years old.

The little girl had severe facial deformities. Not because of an accident, but because she was born with a medical condition. 

Now, I am not an expert in genetics and medicine, but I often read about syndromes. I know the name of the syndrome, I have seen relevant pictures of patients before, and maybe a couple of relevant videos. I could tell that the girl I saw has Treacher Collins Syndrome. Yes, the facial characteristics of the girl were spot-on the typical signs of TCS. Downward slanting eyes, malformed ears, etc. But does it matter?

I am going to stand on what happened on the train.

Someone offered the mother a seat - and the girl sat on the lap of her mother. That could be the happy end of the story. 

But it wasn't. Simply because I noticed how the fellow train passengers looked at the little girl. 

Now, trust me. I didn't stare. I only caught a glimpse of the girl. And that was it. Normality is the key. Normality, respect, a welcoming approach. But others did stare...persistently! Something that personally annoyed me. What are you looking at?

How that mother might have felt? Now, if I were the mother of that girl I would be angry with so many of the passengers, just because of the way they were staring at my daughter! But she acted normally (I approved of her behaviour and I really admire(d) her, she did the right thing). 

Two ladies were standing next to me. The one signalled and gestured to the other about the looks of the little girl, in an attempt to silently describe how the girl looked like. Gestures about the girl's mouth, etc...

The girl was just a little girl, a little bit different maybe, but people around her were staring at her like she was a freak of nature. They should be ashamed of themselves! And those two women (above), who turned their head deliberately so that they look at the girl and explore her facial features better, signalling to each other about it, these women were so inhumane!

Why are we judged about the way we look? No matter how we look like, we are always judged because of our looks...

For issues such as:

Oh, she is fat...
Oh, she is too short...
Oh, he has a funny nose...

Oh... he is very feminine...
Oh, he has manboobs...
Oh, she has facial hair...
Oh, she has malformed ears...
Oh, she is 'no-oil-painting'...

Oh, he has no legs...
Oh, she has one arm...
Oh, his face is deformed...
Oh, her skin is pale...

Oh, his hair is ginger...
Oh, she is black...

People are mean, no matter what. People will ALWAYS judge you, they will always find something negative to say.

I am angry with people. I know that there is research out there that says that people are naturally attracted to beauty and proportionate characteristics but sorry! I have to disagree with lookism. Beauty is really beyond looks. It is something much deeper than skin and bones. 

Then I thought of Lizzy. Lizzy who has changed my view of seeing the world (you should really watch her inspirational video). I get emotional every single time I watch it. 

Lizzy. Lizzy! And the girl on the train. And these statistics that are so alarming!

How can we all learn to see and think with the heart instead of using the brain (and our sexual hormones)? How can we all learn to appreciate people for their identity and personality, and not for their looks and psychical characteristics? How can we all learn to value ourselves (and the others) for who we are, and not for how we look like?

If homo homini lupus (and many people out there have a wolf in their heart) luckily there is veritas, bonitas, pulchritudo, sanctitas... and they all come from within. 

We need more cultural education. This is the key to the solution of the problem. Discrimination must end.